he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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