He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
