I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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