I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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