i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
