Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
