DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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