Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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