Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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