her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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