Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
