You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
