be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
