I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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