I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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