I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
