I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
