How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
