I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Randomize
