woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
