I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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