I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
