i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
