I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
