you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
