listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Randomize
