so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
