I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
