angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
