It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Are we still banned from the library?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
