I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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