Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
