I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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