I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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