I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
