Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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