I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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