apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize