You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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