shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
