I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
