so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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