sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
