What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
