dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize