I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
