we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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