just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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