Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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