got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
