No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
