Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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