I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
