You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
